My Depression Story

I can't pinpoint exactly when my depression started, I think it crept up on me. I've always been a bit of a worry wart but my worrying increased significantly when I had children ~ since I now had someone else to worry about too. That was still just worry and not depression though. My first son Ben was born in January 1998 followed by Corey in August 1999. At 19 months apart I did find things difficult. I mean how hard is it to have a shower and get dressed when you have a baby that rarely sleeps and a 19 month old toddler. These are the things you take for granted before you have children. Although I found things difficult with a toddler and a baby, I coped ok. I think it was after number 3 was born that it all started, not straight away and even now I don't think I had post partum depression, it started a while later.

When Lachlan was born in April 2002, Ben was now at kindergarten. So I had no choice of stressing over how to shower and dress with a new baby and 2 children, I just had to do it, and I think I found that side of things a bit easier ~ I mean you kind of get the hang of those things by the time you have your third. It was the illnesses that started it all, they weren't major illnesses ~ and I thank God for that ~ just colds and flus. With Ben being at kindy he seemed to catch every single one going around and of course we all ended up catching them. So poor little Lachlan as a baby was forever sick, with colds and flu's and chicken pox at 7 months. Gradually everytime he got a cold it would be a little worse than the last, then he started developing bronchialitis or chest infections every time he had a cold, he would just get over one and was nice and healthy for about a week and would come down with another one. Me being the worry wart that I am didn't cope at all well, I got to the stage that everytime any of them got sick I would start to panic. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sit still, I was even a bit mean to the kids if they were bugging me because I just couldn't handle it. All the worst thoughts would pour through my head, what if it turns in to something worse, and if they had a fever without obvious symptoms I would panic not knowing what was wrong with them ~ I don't like the unkown, I can't control what I don't know.

Then early last year (2005) it all kind of escalated to a whole new level. I had no energy and I was constantly tired, I was sure I had chronic fatigue syndrome or something like that (mind you, I did have three children that were terrible sleepers, I don't think I'd had a full nights uninterrupted sleep in 7 years). In March I had to have a hysterectomy, which having had caesareans I had to be cut open for, and good old me can't do anything easy, I had to throw a few complications in there, I had a bleed at some stage after the surgery and had a huge haematoma and ended up having a blood transfusion. A long slow recovery followed but I thought I was ok with it all. Then in June 2005 all of a sudden I started having panic attacks, I know not everyone with depression has panic attacks, and I'm sure there are people that suffer from panic attacks that don't have depression. Let me tell you, panic attacks are very, very scary. I just didn't know what was wrong with me, I would have this feeling of dread and it wouldn't go away and then I'd find myself on the floor bawling my eyes out with no idea why I was crying. I'd be scared that something was going to happen, I would think there was something wrong and I was going to die. Then it would pass and I'd be a bit down and depressed for a couple of weeks and then it would happen again, I'd have the panic attack. Something I hope I never go through again.

That's when I knew I had to do something, so I went to see my GP. She was really good, she put me on antidepressants (and told me not to read the leaflet since I stress over side effects or reactions to drugs), I started on a real low dose and gradually went up a bit until I was on a dose that had me feeling a lot better. The panic attacks stopped. I had some nausea for about a week when I first went on them and for about a week when the dose was put up. The biggest side effect I've had is jaw clenching, to the extent that I was starting to feel depressed again as my jaw ached, my face ached, my teeth were being worn away and now I have a bad jaw, sometimes it locks and that really hurts. So I had my dose cut back the the lowest dose again and started feeling a little shaky and then started to worry that I'd panic again so now I'm back up to a dose in the middle. I still clench my jaw a bit but not as bad as on the higher dose. But the shaky feeling and worrying about having panic attacks was enough to know I'm not ready to come of the medication yet.

I hit a bit of a low again in having no energy but I think that's because I'm not eating right. I am forever telling myself to eat better and get out and exercise. So I am going to do it, writing this is hopefully going to help me also. Whatever I write about on this website I'm going to go out and do. I'm going to get my diet right, do some yoga and get fit.

Who's going to join me???

23rd May 2007

I haven't updated 'my story' for a while so here it is....

So much for getting fit, I think it went the other way. I reduced my medication due to the jaw clenching side effect and started having panic attacks again.

I ended up with a panic attack that lasted about 2 weeks and I just couldn't get past it. I went to the hospital twice during that time because I was sure there was something really bad wrong with me. My blood pressure was really high but did come down once I'd calmed down a bit.

I've now put my medication back up to what it was.

I must admit I really haven't done anything to try and get healthier and fitter and I think this is a big step to recovery to get the health bit right.

I've put on weight and have absolutely no energy.

I am now seeing a counsellor and am attending a 'Worry and Anxiety' course once a week for five weeks. Which I've found really good so far, its good to hear someone explain it all and to be able to relate to it and being able to talk to people going through the same thing. As opposed to trying to explain it to someone who has never been through it and no matter how much you try to explain it they really don't understand completely.

Well, that's the update. Once again, I'm going to head off and 'try' to get healthier. We're going on a big holiday soon that may be anywhere between 3 and 6 months that we're away for. I'm hoping the holiday might be just what I need and help me although I do worry that I'll worry too much and ruin the trip for us.

Take Care

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